Well, here goes, my first poem to be put on paper I'd like to share with you, and welcome all feedback, good or bad, I'm here to learn.It is simply called "Dad"and is a tribute to my late father.
DAD
He was in the midst of childhood, when his mother passed away,
He was sent off to an orphanage, where he was made to stay.
He was not much more than seven, given grown up jobs to do,
'Twas the time of the depression, and mealtimes they were few.
His father wrote him letters, maybe thrice in many years,
This was something that he questioned, shed in silence, many tears.
He would run away quiet often, tried to find the homeward track,
They would find him, spirit broken, they always took him back.
Then one day the doors did open, possessions he did lack,
Not much money in his pocket, just the clothes upon his back.
He tried his hand at many jobs, but often these would stall,
Went home mining with his father, when he heard his country call.
He recruited in the army, as did many of his kind,
He would often go AWOL, paid the price, but didn't mind.
It was round this time he met her, the one who'd share his life,
They joined hands and walked together,through much hardship, grief and strife.
He toiled to feed his family, working hard with calloused hands,
His spirit now rekindled, shared a joke with many friends.
And they talk of him with humour, they talk of him with praise,
They talk of him with fondness, when they tell of good old days.
When he lost his friend and partner, he thought his world would end,
The loneliness within him, had engulfed his spirit then.
His body it grew weary, he knew his time was nigh,
His family gathered 'round him, it was time to say goodbye.
He was in the midst of childhood, when his mother passed away,
But his time had come around now, he'd be seeing her today
As we stood around his graveside, the bugle it did blow,
And we knew he'd gone to heaven, 'cause that's where the best Dads go.
Sue Pearce ©
DAD
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Maureen K Clifford
- Posts: 8153
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Re: my first poem
Welcome Mummsie - didn't see you sneak in.
Well for what it is worth this IMO is pretty bloody good. Good story, good rhyme. rolls along nicely no glaring errors. Personally found the 2 line stanzas a tad off putting - was there a reason why you chose this??? Not that it matters but I reckon it kind of breaks the continuity of the piece.
There is a wonderful - some times not so - site called Rhymezones that you can use to find Rhymes and it also gives the meanings of words and lots of other useful things that will help with your writing. Just Google it - type in a word...not orange or purple though nothing goes with them
and hey presto all these ideas for you to use.
Your poem has a few iffy bits -in it that could do with smoothing out but overall pretty bloody good. Sure all the others here will come and offer help which is freely given and always offered in a good spirit...we all try to help each other here on this site and you MUST have noticed there is a fair bit of chiacking going on...all good fun.
Just to show you what I'm getting at I would probably have set it out like this - but anything here is yours to choose or loose.
You have some good lines in this
DAD
He was in the midst of childhood, when his mother passed away,
He was sent off to an orphanage, where he was made to stay.
He was not much more than seven, given grown up jobs to do,
'Twas the time of the depression, and mealtimes they were few.
His father wrote him letters, maybe thrice in many years,
This was something that he questioned, shed in silence, many tears.
He would run away quiet often, tried to find the homeward track,
They would find him, spirit broken, they always took him back.
Then one day the doors did open, possessions he did lack,
Not much money in his pocket, just the clothes upon his back.
He tried his hand at many jobs, but often these did stall,
Went home mining with his father, when he heard his country call.
He recruited in the army, as did many of his kind
He would often go out AWOL, paid the price, but didn't mind.
It was round this time he met her, the one who'd share his life,
They joined hands and walked together,through hardship, grief and strife.
He toiled to feed his family, working hard with calloused hands,
His spirit now not broken, shared a joke with many friends.
And they talk of him with humour, they talk of him with praise,
They talk of him with fondness, when they tell of good old days.
When he lost his friend and partner, he thought his world would end,
The loneliness within him, had engulfed his spirit then.
His body it grew weary, he knew his time was nigh,
His family gathered 'round him, it was time to say goodbye.
He was in the midst of childhood, when his mother passed away,
but his time had come around now - he'd be seeing her today.
As they stood around his graveside, the bugle it did blow,
They knew he'd gone to heaven, 'cause that's where the best Dads go.
Look forward to reading more of your work
Cheers
Maureen
Well for what it is worth this IMO is pretty bloody good. Good story, good rhyme. rolls along nicely no glaring errors. Personally found the 2 line stanzas a tad off putting - was there a reason why you chose this??? Not that it matters but I reckon it kind of breaks the continuity of the piece.
There is a wonderful - some times not so - site called Rhymezones that you can use to find Rhymes and it also gives the meanings of words and lots of other useful things that will help with your writing. Just Google it - type in a word...not orange or purple though nothing goes with them
and hey presto all these ideas for you to use.Your poem has a few iffy bits -in it that could do with smoothing out but overall pretty bloody good. Sure all the others here will come and offer help which is freely given and always offered in a good spirit...we all try to help each other here on this site and you MUST have noticed there is a fair bit of chiacking going on...all good fun.
Just to show you what I'm getting at I would probably have set it out like this - but anything here is yours to choose or loose.
You have some good lines in this
DAD
He was in the midst of childhood, when his mother passed away,
He was sent off to an orphanage, where he was made to stay.
He was not much more than seven, given grown up jobs to do,
'Twas the time of the depression, and mealtimes they were few.
His father wrote him letters, maybe thrice in many years,
This was something that he questioned, shed in silence, many tears.
He would run away quiet often, tried to find the homeward track,
They would find him, spirit broken, they always took him back.
Then one day the doors did open, possessions he did lack,
Not much money in his pocket, just the clothes upon his back.
He tried his hand at many jobs, but often these did stall,
Went home mining with his father, when he heard his country call.
He recruited in the army, as did many of his kind
He would often go out AWOL, paid the price, but didn't mind.
It was round this time he met her, the one who'd share his life,
They joined hands and walked together,through hardship, grief and strife.
He toiled to feed his family, working hard with calloused hands,
His spirit now not broken, shared a joke with many friends.
And they talk of him with humour, they talk of him with praise,
They talk of him with fondness, when they tell of good old days.
When he lost his friend and partner, he thought his world would end,
The loneliness within him, had engulfed his spirit then.
His body it grew weary, he knew his time was nigh,
His family gathered 'round him, it was time to say goodbye.
He was in the midst of childhood, when his mother passed away,
but his time had come around now - he'd be seeing her today.
As they stood around his graveside, the bugle it did blow,
They knew he'd gone to heaven, 'cause that's where the best Dads go.
Look forward to reading more of your work
Cheers
Maureen
Last edited by Maureen K Clifford on Sun Apr 17, 2011 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Check out The Scribbly Bark Poets blog site here -
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/
I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/
I may not always succeed in making a difference, but I will go to my grave knowing I at least tried.
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Heather
Re: my first poem
There, you've done it Mummsie. It's a bit like giving up a baby isn't it?
Good poem and I loved the last line. It's a lovely tribute to your dad.
Only because you ask - A couple of words that aren't rhymes - hands and friends
- end and then
Easy fixed though if you wanted to - just find some other words that still fit your poem but rhyme. If you like it that way leave it.
Heather
Good poem and I loved the last line. It's a lovely tribute to your dad.
Only because you ask - A couple of words that aren't rhymes - hands and friends
- end and then
Easy fixed though if you wanted to - just find some other words that still fit your poem but rhyme. If you like it that way leave it.
Heather
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warooa
Re: my first poem
I reckon your old man'd be proud, Mummsie . . . fix up those rhymes Heather mentioned and it's a good'n.
Onya
Marty
Onya
Marty
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Bob Pacey
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- Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Yeppoon
Re: my first poem
Well done What a tribute. I do not mind the way you have set it out but mainly because I try to memorise poems and it is easier set out in that type of format. I agree with Heather about the rhymes but they are easy to fix.
Maureens extra bit also seems to fit but that's up to you.
I look forward to seeing more of your poems
Cheers Bob
Maureens extra bit also seems to fit but that's up to you.
I look forward to seeing more of your poems
Cheers Bob
The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!
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Zondrae
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- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:04 am
- Location: Illawarra
Re: my first poem
G'day mummsie,
A beautiful tribute to your Dad.
Yes, it is a bit like giving up your first born for the world to throw tomatoes at isn't it? But we, on this site, have all been there. Myself, about 8 years back. Wow, that time has flown. The friends you will meet here are worth gold. All the advice you will receive (whether good or otherwise) will help you to develop skills you never even suspected you had. It is a rough but wonderful journey you have begun. With determination you will travel as far as you have a wish to.
Have you ever got up and recited or read any of your poems in public? Where do you live? (NSW,QLD??) There are a good group of our members and other poets about to converge on Canberra at the National Folk Festival. Poets Breakfasts on Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon mornings 8.30. I have read in the programme that David Campbell will be holding a workshop. (I can hardly wait) There are dozens of opportunities for you to meet members of ABPA all listed in the six magazines we (members) recieve each year. Good luck with it, I am rejuvinated just thinking of you being at the start of this exciting trip.
A beautiful tribute to your Dad.
Yes, it is a bit like giving up your first born for the world to throw tomatoes at isn't it? But we, on this site, have all been there. Myself, about 8 years back. Wow, that time has flown. The friends you will meet here are worth gold. All the advice you will receive (whether good or otherwise) will help you to develop skills you never even suspected you had. It is a rough but wonderful journey you have begun. With determination you will travel as far as you have a wish to.
Have you ever got up and recited or read any of your poems in public? Where do you live? (NSW,QLD??) There are a good group of our members and other poets about to converge on Canberra at the National Folk Festival. Poets Breakfasts on Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon mornings 8.30. I have read in the programme that David Campbell will be holding a workshop. (I can hardly wait) There are dozens of opportunities for you to meet members of ABPA all listed in the six magazines we (members) recieve each year. Good luck with it, I am rejuvinated just thinking of you being at the start of this exciting trip.
Zondrae King
a woman of words
a woman of words
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Leonie
Re: my first poem
Hi mummsie, welcome to the site.
I read in your other post that you already have one first prize under your belt, well done. Maybe it's you should be giving us advice not the other way around
. Just kidding, you've probably found the advice given already pretty helpful. The only other thing I noticed is no doubt just a typo anyway, but fourth stanza, first line, you probably meant quite not quiet.
All in all a nicely written tribute to an obviously well loved dad.
I read in your other post that you already have one first prize under your belt, well done. Maybe it's you should be giving us advice not the other way around
. Just kidding, you've probably found the advice given already pretty helpful. The only other thing I noticed is no doubt just a typo anyway, but fourth stanza, first line, you probably meant quite not quiet. All in all a nicely written tribute to an obviously well loved dad.
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Neville Briggs
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Re: my first poem
Great mummsie. Do some more.
My only comment, I like to know people by their name in addition to a nom de plume.
My only comment, I like to know people by their name in addition to a nom de plume.
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.
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mummsie
- Posts: 1062
- Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:33 am
- Location: Tumut, NSW
Re: my first poem
Thanks for the feedback guys,maureen, there is no particular reason for the lines being set out the way they are,[besides lack of knowledge on how to do this] so thank you for the tips, will take that on board, i have recited one poem in public, recently a poem i wrote won a prize and i was called on to recite it [still getting over that] i live in NSW, at the foot of the Snowy Mountains, so will check out details for Canberra, thanks again guys for all your tips.
Sue
Sue
the door is always open, the kettles always on, my shoulders here to cry on, i'll not judge who's right or wrong.
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Terry
- Posts: 3394
- Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:53 pm
Re: my first poem
Hi Sue I enjoyed your poem.
Welcome to the site, breaking the ice posting your first poem is a bit nerve racking isn't it, I still remember my first one.
You have already received a lot of good advice from other members so I'll only mention one small point that's probably not that important anyway. It's a good idea to try and not repeat the same rhyme in any poem if possible, if you get around to trying your luck in the competitions later on, you will lose points if you repeat a rhyme, and it's so easy to do.
Cheers Terry
Welcome to the site, breaking the ice posting your first poem is a bit nerve racking isn't it, I still remember my first one.
You have already received a lot of good advice from other members so I'll only mention one small point that's probably not that important anyway. It's a good idea to try and not repeat the same rhyme in any poem if possible, if you get around to trying your luck in the competitions later on, you will lose points if you repeat a rhyme, and it's so easy to do.
Cheers Terry